Johan's personal reflections from Toronto

What I've done in Toronto:

• I was supposed to lead games when the occasion arised, but only ended up doing it once.
• I shared my testimony 4 times
• Lead bible study once, though it didn't go so well
• Tried to clean Ivy's kitchen
• Helped making one PowerPoint
• Lead one devotion for our team
• At the Evergreen/Yonge Street mission I was stationed at the employment center. Didn't do anything much except talk a little with some people there, mostly the other volunteer workeers.
• At Fusion Toronto I gave out lunches to a few homeless people, and prayed for one or two of them. But didn't really talk much with them. In the evening I chose to help doing dishes so I wouldn't have to talk with the people who came.
• Went to some youth meetings in the various churches, but didn't really get to know anyone new.
• Listened to the worship workshop, bible study workshop, and the RHCCC Youth Leadership program (how they organize their leader structure)

What I've learned:

• The leadership structure part was interesting, they have multiple "levels" of leaders, and also different other teams like worship team, multimedia/video team, a team for graphical design/posters, etc.
• Don't let Ivy go wild when ordering food
• When sharing about the reason I don't like talking with people, I said that it might be because I have a hard time understanding people because I have bad hearing. But last time we went to Toronto I shared that I had a hard time opening up to people, and that might actually be a bigger problem. I've built a wall around my heart, not allowing myself to get closer to anyone than to a certain point. I'm not even sure if that wall is still there, but I think that even if part of the wall might be gone, I'm so used to having it that I just don't know *how* to get close to anyone.
• For now I asked Ivy's recommendation for a book about relationships with people, and I bought the devotional book she recommended. I guess I'll start on it when I get back home to Oslo.
• When at the Fusion Toronto, the thought of actually having to talk with the homeless people that we were handing out sandwiches for made me feel sick. Not because they were homeless, but because I didn't want to talk with people.
• I'm afraid of talking with people? About God? Would I have been less reluctant if I knew that I didn't have to talk about God at all? Or is it because we were supposed to try and get to know a bit about the people we talked with? What if the pastor told us to hand them sandwiches and then talk about the weather?
• No, I guess the thing is, that no matter what I talk about, I'm just not interested in the answer. I can ask a person about their school or work, and when they reply, I just don't know what to do with their answer. In fact, if I ask something and the other person actually spends a long time explaining/talking, I might even start to get bored and wonder when they'll finish. I'm uninterested in anything in the world around me. That's why I'm so bad at geography, because I simply don't care. And that's also why I hate leading bible studies and being a group leader at summer camp, because I'm unable to want to listen to people.
• I enjoy being with people, but I'm unable to be interested in their lives much. I guess this is what you'd call self-centered... But is interest in other people something that can be learned? Something I can force myself to have? If it is forced, won't people just see that it's not genuine?
• Love others like you love yourself. I know the command. Sometimes I make the excuse that maybe I'm even unable to love myself. But if that was true I guess I wouldn't have tried so much to make me comfortable and have fun?
• So why am I unable to truly turn my focus away from me and towards other people? Or rather, what can I do to make me change? Will reading the devotional book I bought be enough?
• I have to pray that I can have a heart that loves and cares about other people.
• For a long time, I thought that Rev 3:16 strikes me the most, but now I think 1 Cor 13:1-3 strikes me more.
• And yet a lot of times when people describe me they'd say that I'm kind. I guess a lot of times when I can help people, I would and I usually do. Does not this already mean that I do love them? Or am I saying I'm doing it because I expect something in return? Am I expecting people to be my friends, and that's why I help them when they ask? And when people don't ask anything of me, I do nothing for them.
• Can kind actions replace a genuine interest in other people? But no, according to 1 Cor 13:3, it can't... or rather, is interest in other people equal to love? Can I say that I Iove another person if I'm not interested in their life? That doesn't sound plausible either though.
• Maybe what I really need to look into is why I feel uninterested in other people? Is it simply because of laziness? I don't want to be interested because if I do, I'm obliged to help them out? Or I'm afraid that I can't help them with their life trouble, so I don't want to give an impression that I can, by caring too much? But no, that's probably just thinking too much into it.
• Sometimes I think that the only reason I might seem interested in people is because I like girls, so I'm much more willing to try and be interested in whatever they're saying if it's a cute girl. If I somehow didn't like girls either, I feel I would probably never talk to anyone.
• I wasn't tired as often when in Toronto, I think because I actually slept 9 hours almost every day? So lack of sleep is very likely a reason for why I feel tired often back home, when I usually go to bed too late.
• I feel like I'm getting better at not scolding people when I feel they are doing something wrong, by recalling similar bad things that I've done myself when I feel like I might get angry.
• The short movie that was shown before Toy Story 3, Day and Night, also said something similar very well. One shouldn't dislike or get angry at other people just because they are different, like different things or do things in different ways.

Things we can apply to our church:

• We might be too small to have more layered leader structure, but we might be able to have some more "teams" other than the worship team to involve more of the youth in the youth group work. F.ex. website team or multimedia team or something.
• Actually at summer camp we do have a similar leader structure now.
• Maybe we could join some volunteer activities sometimes too in Oslo? I sometimes helped at a soup kitchen arranged by a church in Trondheim. Maybe we could do something similar in Oslo?
• Untill I am able to change my personality, I guess I will try and focus on the practical work as best I can... And try not to get angry at others because I feel that they don't help out with practical work. Because I'm not helping much with worship either.