Sometimes, I really wish I could just be left alone.
That’s basically what I’ve been feeling for a long time, both before and after I became a Christian. It’s really difficult to be around people. You have to pretend to be interested in whatever they’re saying. You have to try and have some interesting things to say yourself. You have to consider other people’s wants and needs, instead of just doing whatever you want to do yourself.
My childhood wasn’t really that bad. I weren’t really *that* isolated, I did have friends when I went to school, and I had a brother that I could play with when I was a child. But somehow, I never really learned how to truly care for other people. I could play with other kids and talk and tell jokes, but other than that, I felt unable to care about them. The final day at high school, after the ceremony, I just went home without saying goodbye to anyone even from my class, and I practically never talked with any of them again.
Even though I went to church and Sunday school, it was more or less the same there. I would go there and play with the kids there, but I didn’t really befriend anyone. I didn’t really know what it meant to be a Christian either when I was younger. One day after I had a fight with my brother at church, I stopped going there too, and since I had changed to a new school where I almost didn’t know anyone, I had more or less stopped seeing people besides when being at school.
I guess this could have been the part where I said I was depressed and unhappy, but it was around this time that I got my own computer, so I guess I was hardly ever bored. But I was probably still pretty lonely, I don’t think I talked very much with my brothers after that. Which is probably why I decided to join my family for the summer camp a couple of years later.
I still had a hard time talking to people at the camp, but somehow I felt less lonely being there. And I was jealous at the friendship people seemed to have with each other. I don’t even remember if it was the first or second time I went to the camp, but I eventually decided that I wanted to ask God to help me to change.
It’s been more than 10 years since then, and while I wish I could say something like I have been changed completely, and that I’ve been hearing God talking to me, it’s not really true. I still find it incredibly difficult to be around people, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard God, or even ever been able to truly feel his presence.
However, what I have experienced is that God has never let me be completely alone since then. I’ve been going to many camps since then, and while I still have trouble getting close to people, there have been people that have given me advice and tried to help me. Even when I feel like giving up on people, God keeps reminding me that I’m not alone, by having people chat with me online or by letting me have some time out with friends from church.
